Preferences are just that, preferences.
When a couple merges their lives together, they need to make some big decisions together along with a lot of very minute and uninteresting daily decisions. There was a funny video that circulated a few years back showing a couple in a disagreement about the "right" way to fold the bath towels. I wanted to link it here, but I couldn't find it. Nonetheless, I am sure you can imagine how funny and relatable the video was. So many couple arguments occur about these mundane things. We commit to relationship much later into adulthood these days, such that many people already have firm habits about how they run their homes. And what we learned in our childhood homes also contributes to how we like things done.
There are a few "rights" and "wrongs" in a relationship based on your mutual understandings and the agreements you have made. For many (but not all) infidelity is a "wrong", financial secrets and betrayals are also "wrong", etc. These are clear agreements most couples make - rules that are clearly "wrong" to break.
But is there really a "right" way to fold a towel, or hang the toilet paper, or do the dishes? The answer is no. But each member of a couple will have their preferred ways to do things and when a couple disagrees on their preferences, they often end up arguing about who is right and who is wrong.
No one wins this argument because it is not winnable. And the partner that just agrees, gives in, or gives up is likely capitulating and will certainly store it up as resentment. The partner that gets their way is getting it using manipulation rather than healthy influence and they are less empowered than they think. It will probably come back to bite them when their partner’s resentment starts showing up in the relationship.
Making decisions together collaboratively is an important component of a secure functioning relationship. Mutual decision making is based on equal empowerment and mutual respect. Making each other "wrong" about your preferences is disrespectful and disempowering. And it leads to negative feelings between a couple.
So how does a healthy couple make decisions when they have different preferences? First, knowing and respecting each other’s' preferences is a great place to start. Often this is enough information and a couple can make a decision easily just by deciding that respecting a preference is an easy thing to give. For example, my husband preferred his tee shirts folded a certain way - not the way I folded my tee shirts. But who cares, if he likes them folded this way I can do that for him. And I didn't care how mine were folded, so it was an easy give on my part. But if he had tried to get me to fold his shirts his preferred way by making my way wrong, we would've had a fight.
Sometimes though, a give is not so easy, both parties are invested in their preference. So the next step is a respectful conversation - each party sharing why their way is important to them and each person listening and learning about their partner. Most of the time a couple will arrive at a win-win by having a respectful conversation of this sort. For example, I like towels folded a certain way because I love to open the linen closet and see order and beauty. There is no way I was going to convince my husband that he needed to take my view of things - he couldn't care any less about what the inside of the linen closet looks like, he does not derive the same pleasure from it as I do and I don't need him to for us to find a solution. But he cares about me and my experiences and my happiness. But at the same time, he did not want to try and fold the towels so perfectly every time we did laundry. So our solution: I fold the towels while he folds the other stuff. Win-win.
Influencing each other through care is a much nicer way to make decisions together. And partners are more likely to be generous when they feel like they are the recipient of their partner's generosity. I am more likely to say "yes" to Chinese food take out, which my husband loves, because he is very generous about going to restaurants that he doesn't particularly love just because he knows it will make me happy. Do this for each other. Don't get stuck fighting about who is right and wrong on these small matters, but instead work together, be kind and caring, give and receive generosity and save the hard discussions for important matters. Life is too short (or long!!) to fight about the towels.
