Apology and Repair: How To Do It Well
Always say you are sorry...never say you are sorry...never go to bed mad... We have all heard these words of wisdom about apologies, but do we really know what they mean? Do they really help? In my years of experience in my own marriage and with the many couples I have counseled, the answer is no. This is because an apology is a very specific and intimate experience, and the word sorry rarely suffices. In the next few paragraphs I am going to outline the way to make a good apology so that it becomes a true relationship repair.
We expect a lot more from our primary relationships these days, and for good reason. The more healthy and equal we are as humans, the more we can choose a partner that contributes to our lives above and beyond just pro-creation and financial stability. We choose each other and keep each other for happiness and self-fulfillment as well as security. And for that reason, there is more at stake and more to care for when we have conflict and hurt each other.
A good repair has 3 steps - empathy, apology and accountability. Let's look at the first step, empathy. When our partner comes to us with a complaint, their intention is to get care from us, but so often we default to self-protective defense. This is the first mistake in so many uncsuccessful repairs. Whether their complaint is on par with your perspective on what happened or not, as Terry Real says "empathizing with their subjective experience" is the first step toward a successful repair. Put aside any defense of your intentions, what you actually said or meant, your frustration with their sensitivity, and just find their feelings (they are having them) and care for them. Look them in the eye, see that they are hurt, notice that your loved one is in pain and give them some care. Slow down, take your time.
The second step is apology. It is easy to apologize when our hurtful mistake is clear, but to genuinely apologize when we don't think we did anything hurtful and yet our partner is hurt can be quite hard. After listening to the hurt and empathizing, the next step is to say you are sorry for making them feel that way. "I am sorry you feel that way" won't suffice. And you can see why, when you say that you are leaving them on an island believing that they just made up the pain they are feeling. But taking a moment, free of your ego, to realize that you did something, even if they misinterpreted it, that hurt. Often, in our partner's pain and anger toward us, we can feel that they aren't seeing the good in us at all. In these moments we default to trying to prove we are good, that we are trying, that we were misunderstood, etc. This also doesn't help and is one of the ways we self-protect rather than make a good repair.
Putting our need to be right or seen correctly ahead of our partner's need to be cared for compromises a successful repair. Put those defenses aside for now (you can talk about them later, after your partner feels better, more on that below), and just reflect back to your partner that you hear and understand that your action or words hurt them. "I can see how that would make you feel bad, and I am really sorry I made you feel that way".
The third step to a good repair is accountability. We don't just want someone to say "I am sorry" we want our loved ones to grow and change and learn from their mistakes so that they hurt us less in the future. Looking at yourself and seeing where you could have handled yourself differently (no matter what they did) is important to create trust for the future. Take a moment after the "sorry" part of the repair. Find a way to let your partner know that you will consider the impact of your actions or words on them more in the future. Let them know that you understand what they need and that you are willing to work on it.
Most relationship hurt is part of a dynamic, and often when you have done something that hurts your partner, they have done something to hurt you as well. Here is the rule - whoever brings the complaint first gets repair first. So often I see couples playing ping pong with hurt, both partners vying so hard to be heard and cared for that no one is listening or caring! We get nowhere when we do this. So, whoever brings the complaint first gets the repair first.
Stan Tatkin, the creator of PACT Therapy, states that repair is a one way street with a U-turn at the end. This means that until that first person is fully satisfied with the repair they are receiving, and they feel better, understood, and cared for, then the second person cannot take their turn. This is not just a random rule. If you want your partner to care for you but they don't feel cared for yet, their brain is not in reception mode, they are not relaxed enough in the repair process to hear you and care for you. Your needs will fall on deaf ears. You will fight and you will not get what you need, or it will feel forced and disingenuous.
When it is time to U-turn and discuss your hurt after you've made your repair, remember a soft approach will work best. No "yeah, buts"; don't spring your complaint on them as a tit for tat - all your beautiful empathy will dissolve if you do that. Instead, let your partner know you have a hurt that you want to discuss, get them in a ready position. And help them practice the very same successful repair with you.
Out of the intimacy of pain, we can build trust and more closeness. This is what a healthy repair does. It is very hard to overcome our urge for self-protection over care for our partners in the service of our relationship. But when we do, we get cared for in return. And our relationships feel equal and just and we are happier.
